Another Letter to Lily

So, I guess I let this little hobby fall to the wayside pretty quickly!  Not that I've been sitting around twiddling my thumbs over here, but the lack of updates is pretty embarrassing.  We've been super busy with family events, vacations, weekend adventures, and just loving on Miss Lily.  I am in hardcore 1st Birthday Party Planning Mode right now, because somehow we are only about two weeks away from Lily's birthday.  I can't even wrap my mind around how in the world this happened, so instead of being sad about my baby getting big, I've been busying myself with planning this shindig.  That's another story for another day.  (Or probably several other days.  This party has escalated really quickly.  One day I'm making a list of our closest family and friends, and the next day I'm sending out 70 invitations to 185 people.  Whoopsie.)  Anyway, here is a Letter to Lily I wrote a few days ago during a moment of respite from Planning Fest 2013.

 

June 24, 2013

Sweet Lily girl, I am getting so emotional as your birthday gets closer and closer!  You just went down for a nap, and you let me hold you like a baby and rock you in your chair for about 5 minutes before I put you in bed.  That hasn’t happened since you were a tiny little thing, but not because I haven’t tried.  You are just super busy and active, and snuggling has never really been your “thing.”  But I think you could sense that I really needed some love and snuggle time today, and I am so grateful that you gave me those few minutes.  Five minutes doesn’t seem like much, but time seems to be flying so quickly these days, and those five minutes of nothing but cuddles were so needed.  Thank you for ALWAYS knowing what I need and how to love me perfectly.

 

 After I laid you down in bed, I made a sandwich and sat down to finish up some things for work.  (Let’s be honest.  I wasn’t working.  I was making to-do lists for your birthday party.)  Out of nowhere, I just had all these flashbacks of the day you were born.  I was right back in that hospital room all of a sudden, feeling all of the excitement and anticipation and total readiness to meet you and hold you and love on you.  There were so many people who rearranged their whole schedule to be there that day and finally meet you.  You were so, so loved even before anyone ever laid eyes on you.  I remember feeling so scared and overwhelmed and anxious, but just SO ready to finally see you.  I wanted to speed time up, to fast-forward to the part where you showed up and changed everything.  But at the same time, I was trying really hard to focus on all of those last kicks and hiccups and rolls because I knew I would miss all of that so much.  In a lot of ways, that day is a blur.  But at the same time, I don’t think I could ever forget a single detail of it in all my life. 

 

 

Time stopped at 1:37pm on July 13, 2012, and the world will never be the same again.  And thank goodness!  What a silly world we all lived in at 1:36!  One minute makes all the difference, and changes absolutely everything in ways totally incomprehensible.  And here we are now, 11 months and 11 days later (total coincidence, I promise), and I fall more in love with you every minute of the day.  Your desire (okay, demand) to do everything by yourself already is a very bittersweet thing.  On one hand, it’s hard to accept that you don’t really need our help with a lot of things.  You are a walking machine, and don’t need to be carried.  I can say, “Come on, Lily, come in here,” and you just follow me.  You don’t need – or WANT – to be fed by us.  That can get fairly messy, but it’s adorable.  You don’t require a playmate at all times; you are totally content to play by yourself most of the time.  There are so many jobs that you’ve sort of fired us from doing for you.  The reality of that is that yes, it does sting a little.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.  But at the same time, it makes me swell with pride!  You are entirely capable, and you trust yourself enough to know that.  And you trust that if you need help, we will absolutely give it to you!  Nothing is sweeter to me than when you work tirelessly at putting together your plastic Easter eggs for 10 minutes, can’t quite get it, and bring it to Daddy or me to fix for you.  We are a great team!

 

 

And now I went from crying about how big you’re getting, to crying about how proud I am of you.  I really am a mess!  What am I going to do on your birthday?!  I will need to be sedated I’m afraid.  The moral of the story is that I love you, and it is such an intense, unconditional, totally boundless love that it just makes me feel like I’m going to burst at the seams.  I thought I loved you a year ago, before you were even born, but I had no idea what love was.  I thought I loved you yesterday, but again today you’ve shown me I had no clue 24 hours ago.  And the crazy thing is, no matter how much I think I love you today, tomorrow you will wake up and show me that it still hadn’t maxed out yet.  Just when I think this is it, this is as perfect as things could ever be, this is the fullest my heart has the capacity to be, you surprise the life out of me all over again.  It’s a funny thing, Lily, and I’m so grateful for it.  This wild ride we’re all on has been incredible, and gets more and more amazing by the day.  No matter how fiercely independent you become, how big you get, how many birthdays you celebrate, how busy you ever are – you will always, always, always be my sweet Lily girl, and the person who has taught me the most about life and love.  I am so proud of you, and as always, so humbled to be your Mommy.

 

 

I love you to the moon and back. 

Love, Mommy

Things No One Tells You About Motherhood

There are so many things that have caught me off guard about motherhood.  Some are great, some are more challenging.  Everyone tends to give the same advice to expectant mothers, though.  “Sleep while you can!”  “Sleep when she sleeps!”  “Read every book ever created!”  “Feed her this, don’t feed her this!”  That’s all nice and everything, but why doesn’t anyone ever tell you the real stuff?  The stuff that happens and you’re like, “What the what is this?!”  That’s what people need to be talking about so we new mothers are not flipping our shiz thinking we are nuts.

No one tells you…

… That your life is never going to look one ounce the same again.  I guess they kind of do warn you about this, but no one could really ever make you understand it.  How can we comprehend that one moment is going to turn our lives 180 degrees from where they were five minutes before? 

… How LONG it takes to get out of the house to go ANYWHERE!  It doesn’t matter if we’re going to the park, going to spend the day out running errands, going to visit family or friends, or driving 3 miles down the road to the gas station.  No matter what, I know now that I have to automatically add an extra 30 - 45 minutes to our “getting ready” time.  Inevitably, even 9 months later, there WILL.BE some kind of setback or catastrophe or natural disaster if I wait to the last minute to leave.  This is a proven fact.

… To buy a good vacuum, because your pregnant belly is really harboring a miniature billy goat who will have the ability to find a grain of sand in the carpet and put it in her mouth.  I mean, my child ate grout that she picked out of the crease where the floor meets the wall when we first moved into our new house, for the love.

… That “dinner time” is over.  For a long, long time I’d imagine.  In its place is now cutting up the food on your plate because the mini-garbage-disposal already ate all of her own, picking up bananas and avocado off the floor before it dries and gets hard, trying to keep sticky fingers out of her hair (a losing battle), keep the assembly line of cutting your food and putting it on her plate while maintaining a constant 5+ pieces on her tray in order to avoid a meltdown, and some sort of semblance of eating your own meal.  No one ever tells you that 9 times out of ten, you will prefer this kind of action, though, because it will serve as a reminder of so many blessings in your life.

… To never give her a bath before dinner.

… How motherhood can affect your friendships with your friends who do not yet have children of their own.  (Definitely one of the more challenging things.)

… That the sound of little squeals and chatter on the baby monitor is never annoying or a burden – no matter what time it is. 

… That you may actually enjoy waking up in the night to go feed her and love on her.  Plenty people are quick to tell you how much you will not enjoy it, but no one really ever says, “You will get a rush of adrenaline and excitement when you hear your baby up, and you will feel like you can’t get in the nursery fast enough to pick them up and get some snuggles!”  They should really say that.

… That you will feel naked, and like you are forgetting something, every time you leave the house without that baby.  When a piece of yourself is not with you, it’s a strange and lonely feeling.

… That one smile, one moment of eye contact, one giggle, one open-mouth kiss, one little hand rubbing your arm will melt you into a giant puddle every single time.  No one tells you that the novelty never wears off.  People are too quick to talk about the noisiness, the chaos, the messes, the defiance.  No one tells you that being a mother means you get the joy of falling in love all over again, every single moment of the day.

Why do we do that?  Why are we so quick to “warn people” about the less-than-pleasant moments of parenting?  Why don’t we spend more time telling people about the joy, the fulfillment, the love that grows deeper and deeper with each passing moment, the pure bliss of it all?  How come no one ever says, “Hey, no matter how sleep-deprived, adult-conversation-deprived, stressed, anxious, and over-worked you feel, you will only have to look at that precious angel one time and none of it will even matter anymore.  No, life will never be the same, but you will be so grateful that it won’t.”  No, every moment won’t be perfect.  But I can promise one thing – the joy that comes along with this amazingly wild little mess-maker is about as close as you can get.

 

Letters to Lily

When I was born, my mom started writing letters to me in a journal.  Not every day, not even always every week, but often.  When I was first born, when she went back to work, major holidays, minor holidays, regular "days," big family events, milestones, etc.  She kept writing in them for about 3 years!  When I was in high school, she gave me the journals.  To this day, that is one of the most incredible gifts I've ever received.  I keep them with me, and always have them to read when I'm having a bad day or need a little pick-me-up.  Such an amazing gift.

Naturally, when I found out I was pregnant, I started doing the same thing for Lily.  I have written her over 100 letters since then, and cherish them so much.  Some of them are long, some are very short, some are silly, some are serious.  Every one ends with "I love you to the moon and back."  Occasionally I will share some of them here.  I may even go back one day when I have more time and create a "Letters to Lily" section on here and put a few of the most special letters up.  But for today, I will share her 9-month letter.

April 13, 2013

Happy 9 months, sweet angel!  It feels like this was the fastest month yet!  I swear, I really think time goes faster and faster as the days go on.  It is such a bittersweet thing, too.  Sometimes I do look at you and think, “Really?  Where did that little 7lb 4oz girl go?!”  But every other moment of my day, I look at you and think, “Wow.  We created that?!  How is she so beautiful, so sweet, so smart, so funny?  How did we get so lucky?!” 

 

You really seem to be the very best parts of each of us, which is so crazy to me still.  I can’t even explain how magnetic and totally infectious your personality is.  Total strangers are constantly stopping us to tell us how beautiful you are, or how much personality you have.   As a mother, it’s an incredible feeling to know that the rest of the world sees your baby just like you do.  You are such a gift. 

Nine months into this crazy ride with you, it still doesn’t really feel real all the time.  I still have moments where I’m convinced this is all one big, long, crazy dream that I’m going to wake up from eventually.  I hope to God that never happens!  It’s just surreal.  I never imagined, two years ago, that this is where I’d be today and what I’d be doing.  Picking up your toys and clothes and crumbs while you sleep, waiting so impatiently for 2:30 when you’ll wake up from your nap and sing to me to come get you, then look at me with the brightest light in your eyes when I walk in the room, as if to say, “Yes!  I knew you’d come back!”  Even though I’ve dreamed of this role – this life – for as long as I can remember, no one ever really tells you just how incredible it actually is.  And honestly, how could they?  No one else has a Lily Reese :)

I think all your “milestones” are pretty much the same as last month, for the most part.  Nothing too new to report!  We’re tweaking a new eating schedule with more fruits/vegetables and less formula bottles.  You aren’t really sold on juice yet.  You drank it great the first few times we gave it to you, but now you just seem annoyed that we would even consider poisoning you with such a thing.  You’re a mess.  Still just the two bottom teeth, still crawling and pulling up all over, not quite stable enough (or confident enough?) or STILL enough to let go and stand on your own yet.  You’re too fidgety!  You do say “da da” constantly, which Daddy obviously loves.  But you haven’t quite made the connection that “da da” = Daddy.  To you, “da da” = everything.  You wave bye-bye and say “da da.”  When I tell you to say “ma ma” you say “da da.”  It’s a pretty universal word in the Lily-dictionary.  Precious as all get out, though!  Nothing else too new to report, I don’t think.

Nine months.  Wow.  Unbelievable.  My heart still skips a beat each morning when I hear you singing over the baby monitor, and an uncontrollable level of excitement comes over me because I get to go in your room and get you!  Again!  Another day!  It still feels so new, and so freaking exhilarating every single day.  Because the truth of the matter is that each night I go to sleep - absolutely sure that my heart is going to just burst in my sleep because it can’t possibly contain all the love I have for you - and then I wake up to find that not only am I still in one piece, but my love has grown even stronger and bigger and more powerful and unconditional.  And I’m shocked by the intensity, day after day.  I still have moments when I look at you and I’m just so overcome with love and emotion that I just break down.  It’s all too beautiful to contain, and I just feel like I’ll burst at any moment. 

Lily Reese, you are the absolute light of my life.  I am so blindsided by you every day, and just so amazed by every single move you make.  Being a mommy is a beautiful thing, there’s no doubt about that.  But, Lily, being your mommy is the most awe-inspiring experience that God has ever created.  You are the very best part of me, always and forever.

I love you to the moon and back.

Love, Mommy

Happy 9 Months!

 

Is this real life?  Someone has to be Punking me, because there is no way on Earth my 7lb 4oz baby was NINE months old yesterday!!  Seriously, where does the time go? 

Some 9 month fun facts about Lily Reese:

Loves:
- Bath time!  Definitely her favorite time of day
- Swimming in her baby pool
- Swinging
- Our dog, Carson (that makes one of us!)
- Being told "no."  She thinks it's hilarious.
- Eating.  Eating ANYTHING.  This includes books, grass, sand, tags (she has a serious tag obsession ... it's her favorite part of any toy), phones, grout ...
- Her two blankies (woobies).  She has slept with Aden and Anais swaddle blankets since she was born, and now she's inseparable from them.  Her face lights up when you hand them to her, she gets a huge smile on her face, and she buries her face in them and kisses them. 
- Being outside

Not crazy about:
- Anything that requires patience.  Waiting for her food/bottle mainly.  She is definitely a need-it-NOW kind of girl
- Getting her diaper changed / getting dressed and undressed.  Ain't nobody got time for that.  She is too busy, and tries to crawl off the changing table
- That's honestly about it!  She is very easy to please!

Feeding:
- We're working out the kinks on a new feeding schedule still.  What seems to be working the best is a formula bottle and oatmeal and/or fruit for breakfast, a bottle of diluted juice and a fruit and vegetable for lunch, a formula bottle and a small snack (a piece of cheese, some banana, some Puffs, something like that) in the afternoon, a bottle of diluted juice and a fruit and veggie for dinner, and a bottle right before bed.  This seems to be working well most days.  Any suggestions are welcome!  Like I said, still working out the kinks.

Schedule:
Usually...
7:00 - Wake up
7:15 - Breakfast
9:00 - 10ish - Nap
11:30ish - Lunch
12:00 - 2ish - Nap
3:30 - Snack
5ish - 5:30 - Short nap
6:30 - Dinner
7:00 - Bath
7:30 - Bottle
8:00 - Bed time
All of the in between times are just play time for the most part, during the week.  Since I work from home, we're kind of limited on going places.  Some days we go for walks during the day when I have a lull in work - if not during the work day then we almost always go walk when I get off at 3:30.  Sometimes I bring my computer outside and work while she plays in the grass or something.  Just depends!  This schedule seems to be working perfectly for us, though, so I'm glad for that!

What she's eating:
- We do homemade, fresh foods for Lily.  I think she has eaten jarred food maybe two or three times, but she's not crazy about it since she is used to homemade.  I have a Baby Bullet and just process fresh fruits and vegetables for her, basically.  It's super easy, but fairly time consuming when I do a month's worth at a time.  I realize this isn't for everyone, and not everyone has the time or desire to do homemade baby food, and I totally get that.  Everyone has their own preference!  We just decided early on that we wanted her to get more natural, wholesome, nutrients from her meals and less of the additives and sugars and processed foods.  We also figured it would be an easier transition to eating fruits and vegetables when she's already used to them, obviously, as opposed to switching her from something so sweet to the "real stuff."  It's working for her and for us, and I'm glad I have the time to do it for her!
- Right now she's eating carrots, butternut squash, zucchini, green beans (not her favorite), green peas (will not tolerate them ... she cries hysterically when they go in her mouth), sweet potatoes, pinto beans, white beans, avocado, bananas, apples, peaches, pears, and mixed berries.  The only thing I buy frozen is the mixed berries; everything else I buy in the produce section just like our own food. 
- We are wanting to start trying protein (sometimes we give her an egg yolk, and she does eat beans) in the form of meat.  Since we do homemade food though, I am having an issue blending up chicken and giving her that.  I am going to see what her Dr. suggests at her 9-month check up next week.  Again, any suggestions are welcome!
- She is self-feeding as much as we can let her, given the foods she's eating.  Next time I make her food, I am going to do less blending and more just portioning and chopping into small pieces.  She feeds herself her snacks (cheese, Puffs, etc.) and feeds herself banana, avocado, and anything else I can give her without blending.  She definitely prefers to do it herself!

Random:
- She is 18lb 5oz.
- Size 2 diapers, during the day and at night
- Just growing into her 9 month clothes (she's really short!)
- Crawling ALL OVER and standing up on everything
- She is way too busy and fast to even try to stand without holding on
- She hasn't quite figured out that she can walk while holding onto things (couch, our hands, etc.)
- She says "da da" all the time, but the meaning is interchangeable with everything
- She waves bye-bye, but when you tell her to say "bye-bye" she waves and says "da da"
- She still only has the 2 bottom teeth that she's had for like 3 months

I think that about covers Lily at 9 months!  Watching her grow and change is the greatest blessing in the universe, and I cannot imagine a moment of my life without her in it.  She is the sweetest, funniest, nuttiest baby in the world, and I can't understand how my heart doesn't just explode!


 

Those Things Can Wait

Today has been a particularly busy day with work, Lily has been much more wild than usual if that’s possible, and I’m still trying to put the finishing touches on our house we moved into about 6 weeks ago.  It’s just been a crazy, non-stop day.  At one point, I walked 20 feet away to go use the bathroom, and when I came back not a minute later, this is what I found. 

  She had dumped all of her dirty clothes out, climbed onto the bottom shelf of her changing table, pulled the bottom drawer out sideways, and fished out her favorite toy – her comb.  It’s been that kind of day.

As it came time for her 12:00 bottle, I had a lull in my work day and a million things to catch up on.  Lily is quite capable of holding her own bottle and feeding it to herself, so this seemed like a golden opportunity to confine her in her highchair, let her feed herself, and get as much done as I possibly could in the 10 minutes it would take her to finish.  But then it occurred to me – I have been working and busy all morning, while she has been entertaining herself (albeit wildly) and playing alone.  Really?  Do I really need to “make use of my time” by doing chores?  Those things can wait.  What better use of my time than to enjoy my baby and love on her while I can?

The laundry will be there later.  The dishes will be there later.  My hair can dry itself.  Lily honestly doesn’t care one way or another, bless her heart, if I am dressed with makeup on or look like a scary monster in my pajamas.  The vacuum isn’t going to magically get up and run out of the house, the mop isn’t going anywhere, and the mail will still be in the mailbox this evening.

But my little girl is only going to be little for so long.  She is only going to be 8 months old for 2 more weeks.  Those chores can wait, because she won’t.  I can’t tell her, “Hold on a second and stop growing while Mommy gets caught up on what I need to do, then I will be ready!”  She’s growing and changing whether I like it or not, and regardless of how much time I have.  She is on warp speed right now, and I can either have a perfect house or enjoy each moment of this amazing time.  Personally, I’d rather live in total disarray than say I was too busy to enjoy my baby.

I’m not naïve enough to think she will be so sweet and squishy and lovey forever, or even that she will always want to spend time with me.  As I was rocking her and feeding her, she just looked up at me with those beautiful, big brown eyes that look at me as if I’m the second coming.  That isn’t going to last forever.  There is going to come a day when she doesn’t want me to hold her, or rock her, or feed her.  But right now, I’m so thankful that day isn’t today.  Today, she loves it.  I think she looks forward to those calm, peaceful moments just as much as I do.  That melts my heart and warms my soul in ways that I can’t explain. 

I mentioned today on Facebook that I realized earlier this morning that I hadn’t even looked at my planner in 6 weeks.  If you know me, you know this is nearly impossible to believe.  That sucker is color coded, time slotted, and absolutely compulsive and ridiculous.  I don’t go anywhere without it, and it has always been an extension of myself.  Today, that realization was odd.  I felt like I don’t even know who I am.  A great friend replied saying, “You’ve been living life!  Enjoy it.”  Oh.my.gosh.  How true.  I’ve been so busy LIVING that I haven’t felt the need to try and plan and control and manipulate every moment of my day.  I haven’t felt the need to fill my days with meaningless tasks, just to check them off a list.  No.  Those things can wait.  My baby girl isn’t waiting, though.  She’s living her life, and I’m not going to miss out on a moment of it.

What am I Thinking?!

The more I think about it, it really seems pretty ridiculous to be starting a blog at this stage in the game.  What makes me think I have all kinds of free time to kill?  I am a part-time employee and a full-time Mommy.  I work from home, so by default that also makes me a full-time maid, dog-sitter, chef, errand-runner, dish-washer, laundry-extraordinaire.  Let’s throw an 8-month-old spitfire into the mix, too!  Our days are busy, MESSY!, and totally chaotic.  And I wouldn’t trade a single moment of this humbling, awe-inspiring experience for anything in the entire world.

So, why a blog?  Why now?  In short, a little outlet wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.  Let’s face it – for 13 hours a day, my conversations are entirely one-sided.  I talk to Lily constantly, but she’s not the best listener.  She has too much to say herself.  But the only contribution Chatty Cathy ever makes that is even relatively comprehensible is “Da da da,” to which I have no choice but to reply, “No!  Ma ma ma!”  All in good time.   Not to mention, all of these new experiences and milestones are all so new and fun and exciting (and, okay, ADORABLE!) that I just want to share them with everyone we know!  I guess I’m not unlike any other first-time-parent in that!

Meet the star of the show:  Lily Reese.

 

She was born on July 13, 2012 at 1:37pm.  7.13 at 1:37 on Friday the 13^th?  That’s gotta be lucky!  That moment will remain etched in the very forefront of my mind for the rest of all time, and beyond.  Every parent knows what it feels like when the whole world stops, and nothing else even exists except for that wonderful man beaming next to you, and that absolutely perfect little miracle finally in your arms.  Everything about life as I knew it (and I mean EVERYTHING!) changed in that moment.  I can’t even think of a day before she was here, or how or why I ever bothered.  
  

 

 

Now fast forward 8 months ... 

... and every moment of life with Lily is still every bit as breath-taking as that first one.  I live for those big, sloppy kisses she gives freely every morning when I get her out of bed, and every time I get her up from her naps.  Her cheesy smile, sincere belly-laughs, and high-pitched squeals of joy melt my heart every.single.time.  She is the best!  She is the busiest, most high-energy little thing I’ve ever known!  She is into everything, crawling around everywhere like a bat out of hell, pulling up on anything she can reach.  She only slows down to eat or sleep, which are such odd moments of calm these days.  She keeps us on our toes for sure!  As busy and high-energy she is, she is the absolute EASIEST baby in the world.  People don’t love to hear that your baby is sleeping through the night at 4 or 5 weeks old, but Lily definitely was.  She is energetic, but so laid back.  She goes with the flow and adapts to whatever craziness we throw at her.  Her routines are very consistent, but not to any credit of her Daddy or me.  I let go of my need for rigid routines and consistency the minute that pink ball of love was placed into my arms, but I guess she inherited those things from me.  She’s always kept herself on very predictable schedules, which has made our lives SO easy the past 8 months.  I give her pep talks about “letting go” and “loosening up” and “living a little” but she doesn’t seem to hear me.  Oh well, it took me a heck of a long time, so I guess there’s hope for her, too :)

 
The idea for this is to showcase our day-to-day happenings, process some of these first-time milestones and Mommy-moments that all seem to be happening WAY too quickly and often, and maybe even some other fun things along the way.  I promise to never ever talk about the consistency of my child’s poop, the color of her runny noses, or the texture of her spit-up.  Nothing gross; just the fun stuff!  I’d love for our friends and family who we don’t get to see nearly as much as we wish we could to follow us along and watch us learn and grow with our beautiful baby girl!  Anything else from there is just icing on the cake.  I won’t always write about Lily, but sometimes it’s hard not to.  I am Livin’ la Vida Lily!!