Another Letter to Lily

So, I guess I let this little hobby fall to the wayside pretty quickly!  Not that I've been sitting around twiddling my thumbs over here, but the lack of updates is pretty embarrassing.  We've been super busy with family events, vacations, weekend adventures, and just loving on Miss Lily.  I am in hardcore 1st Birthday Party Planning Mode right now, because somehow we are only about two weeks away from Lily's birthday.  I can't even wrap my mind around how in the world this happened, so instead of being sad about my baby getting big, I've been busying myself with planning this shindig.  That's another story for another day.  (Or probably several other days.  This party has escalated really quickly.  One day I'm making a list of our closest family and friends, and the next day I'm sending out 70 invitations to 185 people.  Whoopsie.)  Anyway, here is a Letter to Lily I wrote a few days ago during a moment of respite from Planning Fest 2013.

 

June 24, 2013

Sweet Lily girl, I am getting so emotional as your birthday gets closer and closer!  You just went down for a nap, and you let me hold you like a baby and rock you in your chair for about 5 minutes before I put you in bed.  That hasn’t happened since you were a tiny little thing, but not because I haven’t tried.  You are just super busy and active, and snuggling has never really been your “thing.”  But I think you could sense that I really needed some love and snuggle time today, and I am so grateful that you gave me those few minutes.  Five minutes doesn’t seem like much, but time seems to be flying so quickly these days, and those five minutes of nothing but cuddles were so needed.  Thank you for ALWAYS knowing what I need and how to love me perfectly.

 

 After I laid you down in bed, I made a sandwich and sat down to finish up some things for work.  (Let’s be honest.  I wasn’t working.  I was making to-do lists for your birthday party.)  Out of nowhere, I just had all these flashbacks of the day you were born.  I was right back in that hospital room all of a sudden, feeling all of the excitement and anticipation and total readiness to meet you and hold you and love on you.  There were so many people who rearranged their whole schedule to be there that day and finally meet you.  You were so, so loved even before anyone ever laid eyes on you.  I remember feeling so scared and overwhelmed and anxious, but just SO ready to finally see you.  I wanted to speed time up, to fast-forward to the part where you showed up and changed everything.  But at the same time, I was trying really hard to focus on all of those last kicks and hiccups and rolls because I knew I would miss all of that so much.  In a lot of ways, that day is a blur.  But at the same time, I don’t think I could ever forget a single detail of it in all my life. 

 

 

Time stopped at 1:37pm on July 13, 2012, and the world will never be the same again.  And thank goodness!  What a silly world we all lived in at 1:36!  One minute makes all the difference, and changes absolutely everything in ways totally incomprehensible.  And here we are now, 11 months and 11 days later (total coincidence, I promise), and I fall more in love with you every minute of the day.  Your desire (okay, demand) to do everything by yourself already is a very bittersweet thing.  On one hand, it’s hard to accept that you don’t really need our help with a lot of things.  You are a walking machine, and don’t need to be carried.  I can say, “Come on, Lily, come in here,” and you just follow me.  You don’t need – or WANT – to be fed by us.  That can get fairly messy, but it’s adorable.  You don’t require a playmate at all times; you are totally content to play by yourself most of the time.  There are so many jobs that you’ve sort of fired us from doing for you.  The reality of that is that yes, it does sting a little.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.  But at the same time, it makes me swell with pride!  You are entirely capable, and you trust yourself enough to know that.  And you trust that if you need help, we will absolutely give it to you!  Nothing is sweeter to me than when you work tirelessly at putting together your plastic Easter eggs for 10 minutes, can’t quite get it, and bring it to Daddy or me to fix for you.  We are a great team!

 

 

And now I went from crying about how big you’re getting, to crying about how proud I am of you.  I really am a mess!  What am I going to do on your birthday?!  I will need to be sedated I’m afraid.  The moral of the story is that I love you, and it is such an intense, unconditional, totally boundless love that it just makes me feel like I’m going to burst at the seams.  I thought I loved you a year ago, before you were even born, but I had no idea what love was.  I thought I loved you yesterday, but again today you’ve shown me I had no clue 24 hours ago.  And the crazy thing is, no matter how much I think I love you today, tomorrow you will wake up and show me that it still hadn’t maxed out yet.  Just when I think this is it, this is as perfect as things could ever be, this is the fullest my heart has the capacity to be, you surprise the life out of me all over again.  It’s a funny thing, Lily, and I’m so grateful for it.  This wild ride we’re all on has been incredible, and gets more and more amazing by the day.  No matter how fiercely independent you become, how big you get, how many birthdays you celebrate, how busy you ever are – you will always, always, always be my sweet Lily girl, and the person who has taught me the most about life and love.  I am so proud of you, and as always, so humbled to be your Mommy.

 

 

I love you to the moon and back. 

Love, Mommy