Another Letter to Lily

So, I guess I let this little hobby fall to the wayside pretty quickly!  Not that I've been sitting around twiddling my thumbs over here, but the lack of updates is pretty embarrassing.  We've been super busy with family events, vacations, weekend adventures, and just loving on Miss Lily.  I am in hardcore 1st Birthday Party Planning Mode right now, because somehow we are only about two weeks away from Lily's birthday.  I can't even wrap my mind around how in the world this happened, so instead of being sad about my baby getting big, I've been busying myself with planning this shindig.  That's another story for another day.  (Or probably several other days.  This party has escalated really quickly.  One day I'm making a list of our closest family and friends, and the next day I'm sending out 70 invitations to 185 people.  Whoopsie.)  Anyway, here is a Letter to Lily I wrote a few days ago during a moment of respite from Planning Fest 2013.

 

June 24, 2013

Sweet Lily girl, I am getting so emotional as your birthday gets closer and closer!  You just went down for a nap, and you let me hold you like a baby and rock you in your chair for about 5 minutes before I put you in bed.  That hasn’t happened since you were a tiny little thing, but not because I haven’t tried.  You are just super busy and active, and snuggling has never really been your “thing.”  But I think you could sense that I really needed some love and snuggle time today, and I am so grateful that you gave me those few minutes.  Five minutes doesn’t seem like much, but time seems to be flying so quickly these days, and those five minutes of nothing but cuddles were so needed.  Thank you for ALWAYS knowing what I need and how to love me perfectly.

 

 After I laid you down in bed, I made a sandwich and sat down to finish up some things for work.  (Let’s be honest.  I wasn’t working.  I was making to-do lists for your birthday party.)  Out of nowhere, I just had all these flashbacks of the day you were born.  I was right back in that hospital room all of a sudden, feeling all of the excitement and anticipation and total readiness to meet you and hold you and love on you.  There were so many people who rearranged their whole schedule to be there that day and finally meet you.  You were so, so loved even before anyone ever laid eyes on you.  I remember feeling so scared and overwhelmed and anxious, but just SO ready to finally see you.  I wanted to speed time up, to fast-forward to the part where you showed up and changed everything.  But at the same time, I was trying really hard to focus on all of those last kicks and hiccups and rolls because I knew I would miss all of that so much.  In a lot of ways, that day is a blur.  But at the same time, I don’t think I could ever forget a single detail of it in all my life. 

 

 

Time stopped at 1:37pm on July 13, 2012, and the world will never be the same again.  And thank goodness!  What a silly world we all lived in at 1:36!  One minute makes all the difference, and changes absolutely everything in ways totally incomprehensible.  And here we are now, 11 months and 11 days later (total coincidence, I promise), and I fall more in love with you every minute of the day.  Your desire (okay, demand) to do everything by yourself already is a very bittersweet thing.  On one hand, it’s hard to accept that you don’t really need our help with a lot of things.  You are a walking machine, and don’t need to be carried.  I can say, “Come on, Lily, come in here,” and you just follow me.  You don’t need – or WANT – to be fed by us.  That can get fairly messy, but it’s adorable.  You don’t require a playmate at all times; you are totally content to play by yourself most of the time.  There are so many jobs that you’ve sort of fired us from doing for you.  The reality of that is that yes, it does sting a little.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.  But at the same time, it makes me swell with pride!  You are entirely capable, and you trust yourself enough to know that.  And you trust that if you need help, we will absolutely give it to you!  Nothing is sweeter to me than when you work tirelessly at putting together your plastic Easter eggs for 10 minutes, can’t quite get it, and bring it to Daddy or me to fix for you.  We are a great team!

 

 

And now I went from crying about how big you’re getting, to crying about how proud I am of you.  I really am a mess!  What am I going to do on your birthday?!  I will need to be sedated I’m afraid.  The moral of the story is that I love you, and it is such an intense, unconditional, totally boundless love that it just makes me feel like I’m going to burst at the seams.  I thought I loved you a year ago, before you were even born, but I had no idea what love was.  I thought I loved you yesterday, but again today you’ve shown me I had no clue 24 hours ago.  And the crazy thing is, no matter how much I think I love you today, tomorrow you will wake up and show me that it still hadn’t maxed out yet.  Just when I think this is it, this is as perfect as things could ever be, this is the fullest my heart has the capacity to be, you surprise the life out of me all over again.  It’s a funny thing, Lily, and I’m so grateful for it.  This wild ride we’re all on has been incredible, and gets more and more amazing by the day.  No matter how fiercely independent you become, how big you get, how many birthdays you celebrate, how busy you ever are – you will always, always, always be my sweet Lily girl, and the person who has taught me the most about life and love.  I am so proud of you, and as always, so humbled to be your Mommy.

 

 

I love you to the moon and back. 

Love, Mommy

Letters to Lily

When I was born, my mom started writing letters to me in a journal.  Not every day, not even always every week, but often.  When I was first born, when she went back to work, major holidays, minor holidays, regular "days," big family events, milestones, etc.  She kept writing in them for about 3 years!  When I was in high school, she gave me the journals.  To this day, that is one of the most incredible gifts I've ever received.  I keep them with me, and always have them to read when I'm having a bad day or need a little pick-me-up.  Such an amazing gift.

Naturally, when I found out I was pregnant, I started doing the same thing for Lily.  I have written her over 100 letters since then, and cherish them so much.  Some of them are long, some are very short, some are silly, some are serious.  Every one ends with "I love you to the moon and back."  Occasionally I will share some of them here.  I may even go back one day when I have more time and create a "Letters to Lily" section on here and put a few of the most special letters up.  But for today, I will share her 9-month letter.

April 13, 2013

Happy 9 months, sweet angel!  It feels like this was the fastest month yet!  I swear, I really think time goes faster and faster as the days go on.  It is such a bittersweet thing, too.  Sometimes I do look at you and think, “Really?  Where did that little 7lb 4oz girl go?!”  But every other moment of my day, I look at you and think, “Wow.  We created that?!  How is she so beautiful, so sweet, so smart, so funny?  How did we get so lucky?!” 

 

You really seem to be the very best parts of each of us, which is so crazy to me still.  I can’t even explain how magnetic and totally infectious your personality is.  Total strangers are constantly stopping us to tell us how beautiful you are, or how much personality you have.   As a mother, it’s an incredible feeling to know that the rest of the world sees your baby just like you do.  You are such a gift. 

Nine months into this crazy ride with you, it still doesn’t really feel real all the time.  I still have moments where I’m convinced this is all one big, long, crazy dream that I’m going to wake up from eventually.  I hope to God that never happens!  It’s just surreal.  I never imagined, two years ago, that this is where I’d be today and what I’d be doing.  Picking up your toys and clothes and crumbs while you sleep, waiting so impatiently for 2:30 when you’ll wake up from your nap and sing to me to come get you, then look at me with the brightest light in your eyes when I walk in the room, as if to say, “Yes!  I knew you’d come back!”  Even though I’ve dreamed of this role – this life – for as long as I can remember, no one ever really tells you just how incredible it actually is.  And honestly, how could they?  No one else has a Lily Reese :)

I think all your “milestones” are pretty much the same as last month, for the most part.  Nothing too new to report!  We’re tweaking a new eating schedule with more fruits/vegetables and less formula bottles.  You aren’t really sold on juice yet.  You drank it great the first few times we gave it to you, but now you just seem annoyed that we would even consider poisoning you with such a thing.  You’re a mess.  Still just the two bottom teeth, still crawling and pulling up all over, not quite stable enough (or confident enough?) or STILL enough to let go and stand on your own yet.  You’re too fidgety!  You do say “da da” constantly, which Daddy obviously loves.  But you haven’t quite made the connection that “da da” = Daddy.  To you, “da da” = everything.  You wave bye-bye and say “da da.”  When I tell you to say “ma ma” you say “da da.”  It’s a pretty universal word in the Lily-dictionary.  Precious as all get out, though!  Nothing else too new to report, I don’t think.

Nine months.  Wow.  Unbelievable.  My heart still skips a beat each morning when I hear you singing over the baby monitor, and an uncontrollable level of excitement comes over me because I get to go in your room and get you!  Again!  Another day!  It still feels so new, and so freaking exhilarating every single day.  Because the truth of the matter is that each night I go to sleep - absolutely sure that my heart is going to just burst in my sleep because it can’t possibly contain all the love I have for you - and then I wake up to find that not only am I still in one piece, but my love has grown even stronger and bigger and more powerful and unconditional.  And I’m shocked by the intensity, day after day.  I still have moments when I look at you and I’m just so overcome with love and emotion that I just break down.  It’s all too beautiful to contain, and I just feel like I’ll burst at any moment. 

Lily Reese, you are the absolute light of my life.  I am so blindsided by you every day, and just so amazed by every single move you make.  Being a mommy is a beautiful thing, there’s no doubt about that.  But, Lily, being your mommy is the most awe-inspiring experience that God has ever created.  You are the very best part of me, always and forever.

I love you to the moon and back.

Love, Mommy